Sexual Situationships vs. Bona fide Love Relationships
(The Crisis in All Shades of Grey Relationships)
Chief Ideator& Resultant
The JobBank & Above or Beyond
March 22, 2015
I have had a long and interesting relationship with Dr. Carolyn Cooper. We both joined the faculty of UWI-Mona at about the same time (early 80s), we developed and co-hosted the award winning ‘Man and Woman Story’ on TVJ, my sound system (jUdgeMENt) played at her wedding and I was the MC at the celebration of the 60th anniversary of her cycle around the sun. We have had some strong areas of disagreements but also many spirited discussions as our minds feed off each other.
Her column on Sunday March 22, 2015, (Mi No Want No Woman Look Mi!) has forced me to concretize some issues that I have been observing in our society. I wish to publicly air them now in order to possibly stimulate a necessary broader discussion. My hope is to arrive at some solutions to the not so quiet desperation that has become the lives of many women and men over 50 who are seeking a variety of ‘shades of grey relationships’ but ending up with ‘sexual situationships’ in the quest to find love and happiness. At the end of the usually well written piece, Dr. Cooper ‘comes out’ and emphatically states that;
“Di ongle smaddy mi want look mi a one nice, ageable genkleman. No young boy. No old man. No married man. No man weh a sex man an uman. Yu ha fi can read an write. Yu ha fi have teeth. If yu qualify, come put argument. Otherwise, beg yu please lef mi in peace!”
My hypothesis is that she will have a long wait and is much more likely to find a ‘sexual situationship’ than a ‘bona fide love relationship’. I now present my case.
Sexual Situationship vs. Reciprocated Relationship?
Adian Neil states the following;
“A situationship is basically a pseudo-relationship. A placebo masking itself as a formative relationship. It smells like a relationship, it sorta looks like a relationship, and it may even feel like one, but it’s not. Urban Dictionary describes a situationship as any problematic relationship characterized by one or more unresolved, interpersonal conflicts usually confused with dating. The overall dating climate is changing and formalities are harder to find. Instead there’s this awkward meandering through something that feels like something that leads to sex that may or may not be something that continues for a time until one party wants to make it an official something.”
In contrast, a reciprocated relationship is a relationship in which two people feel the same way about each other, or do give similar things to each other. This is one which both parties experience the fulfillment of mutual desires on a variety of the dimensions of intimacy. They both desire similar things for themselves and each other and are committed to ‘growing old together’.
I started this analysis with Dr. Cooper’s concept of a “nice ageable genkleman”, then did a series of informal interviews to identify what the ages and stages were in our society and was able to create the following table.
|>50 years||(M3) Old Man||>45||(W3) Old Woman|
|35 to 50 years||(M2) Ageable Man||30 to 45 years||(W2) Mature Woman|
|<35 years||(M1) Young Boy||<30 Years||(W1) Young Girl|
(*These categories can be adjusted +/- 5 years)
People Don’t Stay in Dem Lane
The natural pattern of age and stage chronological development would be for people to “stay in dem lane”. If that was the case M3 would be attracted to W3, M2 to W2 and M1 to W1. But what do we have? The socio-biological forces have created the following situations.
|AGE||FIRST CHOICE||SECOND CHOICE|
|M3||W1||Lower end of W2|
|W3||M2||M1 (with body, looks & ‘fun person’)|
|M2||W1||W2 (with money, house, car & contacts)|
|W2||M2||M1 (with body, looks & ‘fun person’)|
|M1||W1||W2 or W3 (with money, house, car & contacts)|
|W1||M1||M2 or M3 (with money, house, car & contacts)|
It appears that my friend Dr. Cooper and many other W3 women are more likely to end up in a ‘situationship’ with a M1 man if she brings the resources that he needs to the table (bed). Please note that all that’s required is proof of dental health and the achievement of the minimum literacy requirement. W3 women are not generally the first or second choice for any age group of men. Men are wired to be attracted to youth and beauty (while women to power and resources). Neither M3 nor M2 men generally find W3 women desirable. But if she has the resources and will make them available to him she can ‘rent’ a M1 man until he decides that he wants someone with whom to ‘settle down’ and build a family. She may even have a series of ‘sexual situationships’ but is very unlikely to have a lasting bona fide relationship. She is also more likely to grow old alone.
Interestingly, M3 men are likely to fare a little better if he is able to ‘buy’ the favors of the M1 woman. This too is likely to be a ‘situationship’ but has a higher probability of morphing into a bona fide reciprocated relationship.
The Shades of Grey Relationships
M3 women are the biggest losers in the present quest for reciprocated love and happiness. This is closely followed by M3 men. Many M3 men (with resources) are however not complaining because variety and quantity often makes up for quality. On the other hand, the W3 woman is judged more harshly when she ventures to live out her fantasies with her M1 ‘toy boy’. It is said that a woman cannot do what a man can and still be a lady. W3 women and M3 men need to find ways to shift their mind-sets and to transform their erotic arousal patterns so as to become more attractive to and for each other. If they don’t there is a growing probability that they will be spending their ‘grey years’ alone, or in highly exploitive sexual situationships.
- It is now imperative that M3 men and W3 women ‘stay in dem lane’ and resist the trips to fantasy island. There is a reason why something is called a fantasy, it does not exist. They must honestly and critically evaluate their present relationships or lack thereof. Not just to quantify the shortcomings of their partners, but more importantly to identify where and how they also contributed to the devolution. They will then be able to embark on a new beginning by establishing an intention to build healthy, sustainable, reciprocal relationships. Intentions will then begin to shape thoughts which will set the foundation for new behaviours.
- If you are in a relationship, make it work. Remember that “to love is a choice that you make”. The exception are cases of abuse and psychotic behaviours.
- If you are not in a relationship, be realistic as to what you bring to the table. If you are a “5”, a “9” may be well outside of your possibility. Why would a “9” want you?
- If a relationship is important to you but keeps eluding you, get professional help. There are persons who have mastered the art and science of ‘match making’. They can help.
The smallest unit of a people is man and woman, when the circumstances become as tumultuous as they now are, a nation is in trouble.
A suh mi see it. What say you?