The Art of Constructive Disengagement

Leahcim Semaj PhD

Sea & Sand 020

With all the structure and planning you had put in your life, you got this big one wrong. You never planned for this. The relationship that you cherished and had planned to be in “until death do us part” has died. What now do you do? Now it’s time to part.

 Step 1: Cancel all plans. Nine times out of 10, life never works out as one thinks it will. Stop planning. Go the way of Buddha and enjoy the moment.

Step 2: You can’t control what’s going to happen to you. Wherever we are at the present moment is where we’re supposed to be. The more one tries to control everything that’s happening, the more out-of-control they’ll start to appear and feel. Stop trying to get a grip on things and go with the flow. Shit happens… to everyone.  The insecurity/pain you’re feeling will fade.

Step 3: No one can help you move on from bottoming out except you. Therefore you should understand that you aren’t perfect, so admit your shortcomings. However, learn to forgive yourself for your shortcomings and, at the same time, accepting you aren’t 100% to blame for all of your relationship’s problems.

Step 4: Don’t take all the blame. Even though you have shortcomings, you’re not entirely to blame for a relationship’s demise. You’re not perfect; neither was your partner. This means you’re both responsible for how your relationship ended up.

 Step 5: You will heal… in time. “Life moves on, whether we act as cowards or heroes. Life has no other discipline to impose, if we would but realize it, than to accept life unquestioningly. Everything we shut our eyes to, everything we run away from, everything we deny, denigrate or despise, serves to defeat us in the end. What seems nasty, painful, evil, can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind. Every moment is a golden one for him who has the vision to recognize it as such.” – Henry Miller

 Step 6: You should not give some power over your happiness. “You cannot convince someone to see something that they do not want to see, no matter how much you know it would improve their lives. You have to love and accept them exactly as they are today. If you cannot do that, you have to let them go and find their own way, in their own time, if they ever choose to do so. Otherwise, you’ll be giving them the power over your happiness, too.” – Doe Zantamata

 Step 7: You MUST extract all the fulfillment from the present, here and now.  “If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never truly be fulfilled. If your happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself. Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” – Lao Tzu

Step 8 : Respond intentionally and reflectively rather than reactively and impulsively. When you’re triggered by negative emotions, whatever you feel compelled to do, don’t. Work through the situations that consistently prompt negative emotions. By buying time, you’re putting yourself in a position to respond intentionally and reflectively rather than reactively and impulsively.

 Step 9: When someone no longer desires you there is nothing that you can do. You must understand that when what used to be natural and easy becomes hard, its time to pause and let nature take its course.

 Step 10:  Remember that people come into you life for a reason, for a season but rarely forever.  The Good Book says ‘it came to pass’, not ‘it came to stay’. Now is the time for you to get PRONOID (believe that the universe is conspiring in your favour). Time to  know (feel and believe) that  you now have the strength to be able to go in whatever direction that is required.  Know that you can roll with the punches and accept what the Gods give. Accept that you now have  no choice but to  grow in the direction that the universe has intended you to. Do it!

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